Thursday, December 5, 2013

5 Things that Really Chap my Rear End THIS Week. (Parental Advisory)

I was talking to Sarah the other day and she said that I wasn't blogging enough. She wanted to hear a good rant. Well, here it is. (Sorry for any racial, off-color/colorful language)

1. The Fast Food Wage Strikes.
Is it REALLY a surprise that working at McDonalds isn't a good career?   It's no more McDonald's fault you are poor than it's Obama's fault the Jazz have the worst record in the NBA.  What we should all be protesting is the pandemic sense of entitlement in our country. It's completely out of hand. And, so help me, if these McDonald's wage workers get a raise, and the price of my hot fudge sundae goes up, I'm going to be so pissed.

 If my research is correct, almost anyone can go to college these days. Don't have money? GREAT! You can get a GRANT and get your education for FREEZIES! Granted it probably won't be the greatest education because of the entitlement thing happening again... Yes, you actually have to go to class, and earn a grade, and then apply what you learned to a real life plan. It's scary! But so are the spiders in your parent's basement you will be living in for the better part of the forseeable future.


2. Utah Drivers.
I know, the subject has been beaten like a dead whore, (That's... what the saying is, right?) but I haven't taken the opportunity to speak my mind on this blog where people will actually hear/read it and hopefully validate me. (Up until now, the half-eaten granola bar in my cup holder is the only thing that gets to enjoy my commuting alter-ego, and so far, no validation there). There are just a few very simple concepts that Utah drivers just don't grasp.
1. The speed limit. No one goes the speed limit here. Everyone is either going 15-20 over (and riding your tail HARD if you aren't) or 15-20 under. I don't get it, I can't explain it.
2. The "Fast Lane" is totally foreign here. The slow lane, however, they've got that down. They just don't know which lane is for which type of driving. 
3. The "Box". This is when two cars speed up up just enough that you can't get out of your lane on either side. Go ahead, blink away. It ain't happenin'.  
4. The concept of the "Carpool Lane" or "HOV".  I would love to be an undercover cop. I would pull people over all day who violate the carpool lane. Once you are in, you are in. You can't cross the double white line to get out. And, how hard is it to count to two? Empty baby carrier doens't count. Neither does a dog. 
5. Cell Phones. Roughly 60% of the drivers I see while I'm driving, (and a lot more when I'm on my bike) are on their phones. It's ridiculous. I want to make 2 signs that say "YOU ARE DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT" and another that says "GET OFF YOUR PHONE".. Think they will go over well? I probably will get flipped-off a lot, but I think it could be fun.... I could make it a competition, like, see how many times I can get flipped off in one day.

2. Peeling Butternut Squash.
Who in the world decided that was a good idea? I made the most amazing soup tonight, but it took me almost an hour to peel, and cube two damn squashes. I dirtied 8 knives and a potato peeler in the process. I'm never doing that again.

Trader Joe's sells cut and peeled organic butternut squash by the bag. When I was in the store I thought "Why would anyone buy that, when you can buy a whole squash for 1/3 the price? I know why. I know EXACTLY why. Bastards.

3. LinkedIn.
If you have ever worked with me, emailed me, been facebook friends with me, or been in the same vicinity as me, chances are you got an e-mail from Linked in last week saying I wanted to connect. I admit, I wanted to increase my connections on the site, but I didn't realize that they would literally e-mail everyone I ever came within three-feet of and pester them with e-mail after e-mail. For this, I am sorry. I didn't mean to do it, but turns out, I'm now looking like a baller with all my great connections, so thank you.

4. Facebook.
Has your facebook feed turned into a disgusting display of baby pictures, sonograms, 1-2 word vague/depressing half-posts, "best husband in the world" posts, selfies, and "my kids are killing me" posts? Mine is, and I can't take it anymore.

SOOOO, I went through and deleted a bunch of my friends. I mostly deleted people who I figured didn't care to receive my updates anymore. If you read this blog and we were Facebook friends and we aren't anymore, and you want to be welcomed back into the fold of my friendship, just add me again. Some people I deleted because I just would rather be real-life friends with them instead, and some people were boring, rude in real-life, or posted too many pictures of the insides of their uterus.

I've said it before and I will say it again. I believe in an ultrasound/sonogram-free Facebook. Unless it's twins. Then and ONLY then is it ok.

5. Selfies.
What's the deal? People are acting like the Native Americans when they saw their faces for the first time in a mirror that they traded for with some trappers or explorers. It's great to love yourself, but I find a direct correlation where the people who are posting the most selfies, often have the lowest perceived self-worth.  I venture to guess that 99% of selfies are posted in an attempt to get that girl you like to pay attention to you, or so the boy you used to love will be jealous of your "happy-without-him" life. Spare me. There is more to life.

I don't have instagram anymore. I deleted it because its just a bunch of selfies. You can tell that the majority of people posting sat there for 20 minutes switching back and forth between filters wondering which one made them look the skinniest/buffest/hottest etc. It's not real, it's garbage.

And these "Am I pretty?" videos...Dont' even get me started. Parents, be aware of what your kids are doing online, and teach them that it doesn't matter if they are pretty or ugly. They are worth so much more than their reflection......For hell's sake.

That's all for now. Sarah, was this adequate?

Friday, November 15, 2013

My new gig, my new house

It has been a long time since I have posted on here because most of my time has been spent trying to find a man to marry me and make beautiful babies with. That hasn't worked out. So, I'm back.

I'm not really sure if anyone even reads this blog anymore, but I wanted to just give an update to my life because a lot has changed in the last three months. Since I'm single, and don't have any kids, I think sometimes people think I am lonely or bored. I'm not.

In September, I quit my amazingly fun job at Salt Lake Running Co, and moved onto a little more professional career. I am now an account manager at Fit Marketing in Lehi, Utah. The first couple weeks of the job were a BREEZE. I was just writing copy for our customers, cracking jokes with my awesome co-workers, and relaxing. Then a couple weeks later, my job position changed and I was asked to be an account manager. Then things got cray.

Here are the analogies I used to describe the job. See if you can catch my drift:

Analogy 1: Lasagna

I feel like I have been hired to make the most amazing lasagna (marketing) that has ever been created. There is just a couple issues standing in the way of that beautiful Lasagna.
1. I don't know what "Lasagna" is.
2. The recipe is in French. (jargon)
3. Someone (my predecessor) has come along and started the recipe (marketing plan), but I have no idea what ingredients they have put in.
4. The "Lasagna" needs to be done in one hour. (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines)

Analogy 2: Parenthood

I feel like I have 20 children (customers), that are all crying for my attention and hungry and tired.
I have a team of nanny's (team leads) to help me with each task that needs to be taken care of like the feeding (content marketing team), washing (search marketing team), dressing (web team), entertaining (social marketing team) of the children.
I also have three husbands (the president, the CEO, and the vp of the company) to help me out
But, what I really need is a wife.

Things are a lot more calm now. Even though it was a tough transition, I loved my new job from the start and I am so happy I made the switch. This company is incredible. Amazing expertise, vision and heart. I'm getting great exposure to the real world of marketing and I love coming to work everyday.

Check out our youtube channel for some really funny videos they made when one of the sales guys left for a while to film a little show called The Bachelorette. This one is my favorite.

In addition to a job change, I moved into my own apartment. I am OBSESSED with it. I love it.

Before I had a couch.

The Kitchen.

My amazing friends moving in my dream couch.

Ta-dah! It's so ugly, it's magnificent. Also, purple chair from Savers, had to have it.

Wine-rack turned stand-up desk and shoe rack

Pano view featuring Dr. Lindsay Kite and Cath Cow. This is what it looks like now.

Come visit me. But give me warning, because I often am not wearing pants. #perksoflivingalone