Thursday, June 24, 2010

Attention Wal-mart Shoppers...

A compilation of announcements Wal-mart should start saying...

"Attention Wal-mart shoppers. It is now time to take a brief moment and look at the child you are abusing and take them to the toy isle and buy them a stuffed animal. This will make you feel better and reinforce your child's bad behavior. We suggest Zhu Zhu pets. They are just annoying enough to make you want to beat them instead of your child, and they are on Rollback!

Attention Wal-mart shoppers. We are rolling back prices on pre-made frozen dinners. Now you wont have to get off the couch to make a three course meal for your already malnourished family, subsequently missing the newest episode of The Biggest Loser.

Attention Wal-mart shoppers. It is now 11:30 p.m. Please quiet your screaming children who should be at home sleeping. Our jewelry counter lady and electronics guy are trying to take a nap. Thank you.

Attention Wal-mart shoppers. Just in case you don't have enough crap in your basket already, we have restocked our "as seen on TV section." Get you, your husband, goldfish and dog matching snuggies today!

Attention Wal-mart shoppers. If you are located at one end of the store and you just remembered that you forgot something at the other end, please push the call button and a highly trained service person will assist you. This will save you hours of walking, and negate the need to open up that box of cheese-its for nourishment to make the trek.

Attention Wal-mart shoppers. We are experiencing a usual high number of customers. Please wait in line for 100 years and a moderately coherent cashier will assist you. If you are in a "20-items-or-less" lane and have clearly more than 20 items, don't fret, our cashiers can't count any better than you can.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's day

This was the first Father's Day without a phone call to a dad who only wanted "world peace" for father's day but got socks and Eddie Bauer tie-pants instead. I sure miss my daddy! This post is dedicated to him and his famous "Vonn-isms."

"Knock 'em dead!"

"Where is my brush!? I hate when you guys use my brush because the long hairs drag on my face when I comb my hair."

"Get over it..."

"Jesse! Get off me!"

"I weep for the future of the world!"

"Will you go get me a quarter pounder with cheese? Please? Come on!"

"Knock it off!"

"Where is the remote?" "I will give 5 bucks to whoever finds the remote."

"What language would you like me to say family prayer in?"
"Yo-me yo-me yo-me.... yo-me yo-me yo-me" (no matter what language we requested..)

"Staaaaaay green.... come on baby stay greeen."
"Gaul! Dangit!" (at every yellow light)

"Hey kids, watch this!" (just before totaling our Toyota)

"Quit dingkin' around!"

"Do we have anymore banana milk?"

"Will you bring me a toothpick?" "No, the square ones..."

"This is Vonn J. Jenkins from the Church of the LDS...."

"I want to try this new recipe that I saw on Good Eats."

"What's for dinner?"

"Screw your stew!"

"You are my favorite."


"This is baaaaaaad."

"Alright! Alright! Alright!"

"Raise your right hand. Repeat after me..."

"Don't drive angry!"


"Who wants to go to Costco with me?"


"Did you know See's candy delivers? Right to your front door!"

"Wait, so you wrecked the car, but you weren't in it?"

"I am a lucky man."

You were a lucky man, Dad! We were lucky to have you in our lives! We love you and miss you everyday! Happy Father's day and I hope you aren't too upset you didn't get your usual socks and tie-pants....its a recession....and plus, you probably wouldn't wear them anyway... you always preferred the ones with the most holes.

Here are some more I forgot, Thanks Jesse!

"Mmmm, that's good" after every free sample at Costco.

"Can someone bring me some toilet paper?" and closely related, "don't come in here, you'll get brain damage."

"I want KFC"

"Do you have tri-tip tacos today?"

"Jess, I hate your dogs."

"Jack, why are we even friends?"

"I didn't vote for Harry Reid! I don't know what the hell you are talking about."

"Time to thin the herd."

"Pull my finger."

"Allie, quit using my sink, get your crap out of here!"

"How hard is it to go to the store, get what you need, and come home?"

"Where the hell are you?"

There were more but most of them were inappropriate. hahahhahah

Friday, June 18, 2010

Daily Affirmations!

I created a tumblr blog for my daily affirmations so I can be more like this girl.

Remeber, you can do anything good.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

First week in Utah

Hey friends! My life is totally awesome. You should be jealous. Here's why:

  • I am staying at a cute little bed and breakfast in Lehi, Utah.
  • I ate the most delicious fajitas last night for dessert.
  • I ate creamy frozen yogurt for dinner last night.
  • I am going to the rodeo this weekend!
  • My niece is at EFY this week and I get to see her!
  • I have a few job prospects that I am pretty excited about.
  • My cat is getting shaved like a lion. hahahahahahahah
  • My identity is stolen and continues to be stolen.
  • Wells Fargo sent me a replacement debit card and it came in the mail...canceled. Waiting for another one.
  • My transmission went out in my car yesterday.
  • I don't have a job.
  • I don't have an apartment.
  • I now don't have a car.
  • I found an apartment to live in up in Salt Lake. So cute and Norm can come! Then the girl decided I was weird and rented it to someone else.
  • I have one pair of pants that fits.
  • BYU dropped me as a student and now I can't log onto the computers on campus. I didn't want to study anyway.
  • My mailing address for my phone bill, bank account, and credit card have all been changed to 471 West Line Way in Muncie, Indiana. I have not a clue why. Maybe I should move there.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Am I awesome? All clues point to YES!

So, Saturday morning, I am sleeping soundly on my 4-in memory foam mattress topper, nestled in my bed with my kitten Norm, when my phone rings. I choose not to look and see who it is because, let's face it, it is Saturday morning before 10 a.m. It could have been John Stamos calling to tell me he is in love with me and I still would have rather slept. About 30 minutes later, I look at my phone to see that it was an unknown number. So glad I didn't answer, I happily roll back over and sleep for another 30 minutes. I glance at my phone after getting up and almost getting in the shower, to realize the unknown caller left me a message.

"Hello Ms. Jenkins, this is Wells Fargo's Fraud Detection team calling to alert you of suspicious account activity on your Wells Fargo checking account ending in ####. Please call us back at ### ### #### to speak with a fraud specialist as soon as possible. Thank you."


Apparently, someone got a hold of my debit card number and bought tickets from/to Italy, and a couple hundred dollars in other stuff. The city where the card was used was Villanova, Italy, the city where my grandmother was born, and where all my Italian ancestors live to this day. What are the odds?

Anyway, now I have no access to any money for 5-7 business days.

Apparently, I am pretty awesome, or else no one would have wanted to steal my identity. However, I am sure they were disappointed when my bank account and my awesomeness were incongruous.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I wanna moyve tah Joysey.

Have you seen Jerseylicious? It might be the most addicting show on TV. The whole premise of the show is as follows:

Gayle and her daughter have taken out a 3-million dollar loan to make The Gatsby Salon legit. They begin by hiring two new hair dressers, and a make-up artist. Words can't describe these peeps. Here is a video:

OMG, I want to go tanning! And I want to drink lip gloss for breakfast!

Now, a tip from Tracey: The Perfect Tease!

Ick! Man hands.....

Who knew "Utah Hair" existed outside of Utah?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Web-folio!

I have been working on getting a web-folio started. I went with another blog. I hope it does the trick. You should check it out. It is here!

The job hunt is going well! I have been in contact with a few awesome companies. I have a part-time job lined up for the weekends... so if all else fails, I will be able to eat. It may be bologna (the ultimate sign of poverty) but I can deal. I'm sure there is a cook book out there with a title similar to "100 recipes for bologna!"