"Attention Wal-mart shoppers. It is now time to take a brief moment and look at the child you are abusing and take them to the toy isle and buy them a stuffed animal. This will make you feel better and reinforce your child's bad behavior. We suggest Zhu Zhu pets. They are just annoying enough to make you want to beat them instead of your child, and they are on Rollback!
Attention Wal-mart shoppers. We are rolling back prices on pre-made frozen dinners. Now you wont have to get off the couch to make a three course meal for your already malnourished family, subsequently missing the newest episode of The Biggest Loser.
Attention Wal-mart shoppers. It is now 11:30 p.m. Please quiet your screaming children who should be at home sleeping. Our jewelry counter lady and electronics guy are trying to take a nap. Thank you.
Attention Wal-mart shoppers. Just in case you don't have enough crap in your basket already, we have restocked our "as seen on TV section." Get you, your husband, goldfish and dog matching snuggies today!
Attention Wal-mart shoppers. If you are located at one end of the store and you just remembered that you forgot something at the other end, please push the call button and a highly trained service person will assist you. This will save you hours of walking, and negate the need to open up that box of cheese-its for nourishment to make the trek.
Attention Wal-mart shoppers. We are experiencing a usual high number of customers. Please wait in line for 100 years and a moderately coherent cashier will assist you. If you are in a "20-items-or-less" lane and have clearly more than 20 items, don't fret, our cashiers can't count any better than you can.