Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Things we as Women of the LDS Faith, and Members of the Church in General, SHOULD be Protesting:

This post is religious in nature and contains potentially offensive language and commentary. My favorite.

Conference is around the corner so the “Ordain Women” homegirls are at it again, demanding they receive the Priesthood. Whether it’s a lack of tact, or lack of caring, I’m just going to come right out and say how I feel. I think these women are misguided, confused, annoying and they really piss me off. I refuse to be bullied into pretending that I kindly and passively respect them and their actions. And, if they have so much time on their hands to “change something”, how about they actually protest things worth protesting… like…

  1. No more closing songs (or rest hymns)! Can’t we just say the prayer so we can get the hell out of there?!
  2. No more Sunday School! No one listens anyway!
  3. No more nylons on women younger than 65. Please, for the love.
  4. No more passing of binders or clipboards in class!
  5. No more “Mormon Mommy Photo-blog-ographers”! Owning a camera doesn’t make you a photographer. I blame self proclaimed photographers for the JCPenny financial crisis.
  6. Instead of bread for the Sacrament, why not jerky? It actually makes a lot more sense. And it’s delicious. (I’ll probably go to hell for that)
  7. No more fake flowers in the church.
  8. No more “New Beginnings” -every beginning is new, so why do we have to do this EVERY YEAR?
  9. No more prickly wall carpet. Whose idea was that? “I know, let’s put NEEDLES all over the wall!”
  10. No more cleaning the church! With the budget saved from slashing New Beginnings and by cutting church time by ⅓, we can afford to hire cleaners!
  11. No more “Open Mic”. Testimonies should be submitted in writing before permission to approach the pulpit will be granted.  
  12. No more hot dads with ugly wives! It kills us single people. KILLS us.
  13. More hot women with less than attractive men. Help the single hotties come to grips with what the real future holds.
  14. No more creepy hospital curtains in the mother’s lounge. In fact, no more mother’s lounges! I want to see all the boobies in the chapel. Isn’t that another thing women want, freedom to feed? “Feedom”?
  15. No more complaining about how your husband/wife/job/house/kids/parents/car is/are too fat/ugly/rich/poor/hot/big/small/lame/boring/perfect/annoying/blessed etc!
  16. No more printed programs! What a waste of trees and time. Plus, 7 out of 10 become a paper airplane at some point during Sacrament meeting. On second thought, keep the programs.
  17. No more singing hymns no one knows!
  18. No more handing out quotes to the class with #s on them for people to read in order! Let us zone out, PLEASE.
  19. No more splitting into groups during lessons. What am I? A 5 year old hopped up on yellow #5 and ADHD meds?
  20. Single people should be allowed to go to whatever singles ward they want, regardless of the boundaries! It’s hard enough to go to church for three hours. At least let me suffer with people I actually like!
  21. No more missionary voice!!! OMG.
  22. No more Deseret Book! Sorry. It has to go. It is everything that is wrong with the church.
  23. We need a Tithing App. So we can pay tithing with it. With our phone. In our hand.
  24. No more TREK. As if we don’t look like a bunch of freaks already and everyone hates being called to a trek calling.
  25. NO MORE GENDER REVEAL PARTIES FOR UNBORN BABIES. This one…::shakes head in anger::.. this one really pisses me off.

This list, while incomplete, hopefully brings additional attention to the things we SHOULD be protesting. Feel free to add to the list with your comments below. Happy protesting!